There is a constant internal struggle between our higher selves and lower selves that many of us are unaware of. When we allow anger to rule our being there is a certain dark satisfaction that we experience because we finally give in to the dark side. There is temporary relief in letting go of self-control, because let’s face it, trying to be good and positive all the time can be exhausting. Except, the temporary relief we get is at the price of self-destruction. What happens when we let our lower self-take over and run rampage? We let resentment and anger wash over us, we feel like nothing is right with the world (even if our reason for anger is small). Furthermore, our body experiences physiological reactions to anger and we go into defensive/survival mode. Our mind and body frantically sends messages to each other to fight, conquer, defend … regardless of whether the ‘threat’ is little or large. As a result, our body tenses up with stress. Then we react outwardly to the anger, whether it is with passive aggressiveness or just aggressively, our reactions that stem from anger inevitably have negative consequences. It can harm our relationships and our imaan. To give way to anger is to give way to Shaytaan. Shaitaan has the perfect canvas to sow seeds of discontent, resentment and discord. In giving in to
shaitaan, for even a moment, we open a door for him to come in and wreak havok whenever he pleases. We have passed on to him information about ourselves, for example what triggers our loss of self-control to the dark side. All this trouble because our ego feels threatened? Remember, darkness is like a virus, it can spread if we do not try to stop it.
Hopefully, we will all learn to guard against anger but as it is not possible to always avoid feeling angry, we can learn to regain control and minimize the damages.
Daily Task: Anger against people
On a page write down 3 experiences you have had where you became angry at someone. For example, someone didn’t do what you told them to do so you ‘lost’ it. Ever seen parents get angry and lash out at their children because they didn’t listen? It is a common reaction, ‘children should give their parents due respect and obey without question.’ Aah the old ‘tow the line or else, no explanations necessary’ mentality. When the child does not listen our ego can take a hit, which can result in anger. So we lash out without considering the harm to the child. We are actually reacting to the fact that someone dared not take our orders. Please note: I am not insinuating that children should not be disciplined, I am stating that they should not be disciplined out of anger but out of love. More on this concept of reacting with love rather than anger later. But for now here is another concept to ponder, anger can simply be a power trip to boost our bruised ego, and we can sometimes unleash it on those we consider weaker than us or convenient enough. This is also where misplaced or transferred anger comes from.
Include in the descriptions the following:
How did I feel during the incident, period during which I became angry?
What was my reaction to these feelings?
What was I thinking?
How did I behave towards the person?
How did I behave towards the person in the weeks following the incident?
Did the relationship change, how?
What steps did I take to solve the issue or problems arising from it?
Do I ever apologize to people?
Do I genuinely feel apologetic and remorseful for my behavior?
My anger was justified because …For example, you write: ‘ My anger was justified because s/he did not listen to me and s/he should listen to me because I am the parent and ‘I said so’.
Answer the following:
Was my justification for anger rational and not triggered by my ego, pride (in a group I identify with, my opinions, whatever), another trigger (mention)?
Is there any way I could have reacted differently?
Was my reaction productive? Ie did it teach me anything? Did it teach the person anything? Did something positive come out of it?
Did I try to understand the position of the person I was angry with or was I more concerned with how they offended me or my ‘people’?
If the person was indeed wrong, did I attempt to guide them with gentleness, not to prove myself right but to help the person and those affected by them?
Can I think of at least two excuses for the person’s behavior (does not have to be true)?
How did I expect this person to behave?
Did my expectations and the discrepancy between my expectations and the person’s behavior lead to my anger?
Do I think it is rational to get angry with someone for not behaving the way I expect them to behave or for not doing things my way? Why is my expectations or way superior? For example, s/he should have behaved in a certain way towards me and I am angry because s/he did not. Is it fair to transfer our expectations of behavior onto other people? We cannot control others or how they treat us, they will be what they are. We can control ourselves, so shouldn’t we concentrate on fulfilling our own expectations?
Do I unconsciously/consciously try to manipulate someone’s behavior towards me through anger?
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